In addition to a Speech Therapist and an OT, we just starting seeing a family therapist to help us develop a plan to keep Gracyn moving in the right direction with her attachment and some of her "episodes". She has come a long way from the time I met her in Taiwan. She's starting to become more attached to Daddy now, which is a joy, and somewhat of a relief. She loves her mommy, which melts my heart, but there are still moments though, where my intuition, my motherly instincts, just aren't enough.
I found myself sharing with the therapist a piece of me that I had shared only with my husband. I went on to explain that as a mother of biological child, and now the mother to a child who came to me through adoption, I could honestly say that I felt with Gracyn, my intuition, my instincts, they're just not all there. Don't get me wrong, I know when my daughter is tired, hungry, overstimulated, wanting some love. But when she's in an "episode" and needs comfort, I can't seem to provide it. With Peyton, the sound of my voice, the scent of my hair - those things in and of themselves were often enough to bring comfort. Gracyn and I have only been with each other for a little over four months, and we're both still getting to know one another. We're in love, yes. We're attached, yes. I still haven't figured out everything that makes her tick, or sets her off, or what I can do to "instantly" soothe her. That's the honest truth. I think the fact that she came home at an older age has a lot to do with it. She's been taught, in part, what is supposed to comfort her. Me, I just don't know what that is.
When she gets hurt, and I run to her to pick her up, that makes her calm instantly. It's when she's in the torn state of, "I'm not happy, I want something, I think it's you, but when you're in my face it's not you that I want, but if you leave, I do want you, and I'll come to you for comfort, so maybe it is you I want and need?" Okay, so that was a mouthful. But this is the state that Gracyn still falls into on a pretty regular basis, and we hope that with the help of a therapist, she can guide is us in determining what's "terrible 2's" or personality, versus what might run much deeper. I explained to our therapist that the only way she calms down, is if I quietly walk away, and then she pops up a minute later, and runs to me with a smile. I had no idea, until talking to our therapist that she may be suppressing her emotions because she thinks she can't be "sad", so she smiles and then gets the love she craves. It broke my heart. I felt I had done more damage than good. It's the only thing that calms her down, but if she's suppressing emotions, forget it. More to come after the next evaluation.
Some may judge me for this post. I share it to hopefully be helpful to others. It's not to say that parents who only have children through adoption lack instinct - that's absurd. I know many adoptive mothers who are extremely in tune with their maternal instincts. It's not to say that the instincts with a biological child are better, or stronger than that of those with an adopted child. I'm simply trying to say that I recognize where my instincts with my daughter, who happens to be adopted, and came to me at an older age, aren't quite up to par. Perhaps I am the only one who is lacking in this department, but quite honestly, I'd have to say that my motherly instincts are naturally strong. I never expected my instincts to kick in with Gracyn from the moment I met her. After all, the time she's been home with me is still less than half the time Peyton was with me (in womb). The therapist assured me this was normal, and that it would take time. So if anyone else is in my boat, know it's okay, or at least by our therapist it is!
And let me say now, that our life is far from gloomy. Gracyn is full joy, and she's silly, and she gives kisses. She's actually easier than Peyton was at this age. She loves to help, and loves to cuddle. This is really the only area that we don't think we can overcome without intervention and I'd much rather address this now, as small or as big of an issue as it may be, than put it off and have her attachment with us stifled. I think the combination of delayed verbal speech, some sensory issues, and her age in joining our family, has put Gracyn in a place of not knowing if she wants more, or if she bear "that" much. We're looking forward to how she develops with the help of all of these wonderful therapists!
Moving on to stacking more blocks, threading more beads, rolling around on a yoga ball, playing peek-a-boo, watching signing videos, continuing to use sign language (now Peyton wants to know the signs for everything!), working towards more consistency and talking through our day to avoid surprise and disruption, and learning how to apply firm pressure to create more comfort and assurance of self in space. . .whew! And that's not the end of it. . .The funniest part of meeting with early intervention was when I was offered the opportunity to be connected with other parents in similar situations. I declined that one confidently, knowing I have all of you - so, I welcome any and all suggestions on speech, sensory, and attachment whether you're licensed to practice or not!
1.29.2009
My son, the comedian, and his ultimate birthday wish. . .
Me: What do you want for your birthday Peyt?
P: I dunno. I want one of those "pumpy things". (as he motions a squeezing effect with his hand)
Me: A what?
P: You know those green things that you use to get boogers out.
Me: Oh, okay. (While laughing)
P: Can I have one for Christmas?
Me: Yes. You can have one. (Thinking, dude, it's almost February, but okay.)
(side note: this all took place as I was standing over him, watching him pee! The squeezing of his hand, that was mid-stream - literally. I know TMI!)
Story behind the birthday wish.
Peyton was playing with the nasal aspirator last night (it was out thanks to his little sister's green boogies) - we reprimanded him because well, for 1) it's dirty and 2) it's the last one we have from the hospital (from when Peyton was born) that actually works!
He was sad that he couldn't play with it, so I told him I'd get him that he could play with. I guess he REALLY wants one. After all, that's the only thing he asked for so far and his birthday is next week.
I don't know if I can actually "buy" one of those "turquoise green" ones at the store, but luckily we know a lot of nurses. Hopefully one will magically surface in the next week. Shhh!
P: I dunno. I want one of those "pumpy things". (as he motions a squeezing effect with his hand)
Me: A what?
P: You know those green things that you use to get boogers out.
Me: Oh, okay. (While laughing)
P: Can I have one for Christmas?
Me: Yes. You can have one. (Thinking, dude, it's almost February, but okay.)
(side note: this all took place as I was standing over him, watching him pee! The squeezing of his hand, that was mid-stream - literally. I know TMI!)
Story behind the birthday wish.
Peyton was playing with the nasal aspirator last night (it was out thanks to his little sister's green boogies) - we reprimanded him because well, for 1) it's dirty and 2) it's the last one we have from the hospital (from when Peyton was born) that actually works!
He was sad that he couldn't play with it, so I told him I'd get him that he could play with. I guess he REALLY wants one. After all, that's the only thing he asked for so far and his birthday is next week.
I don't know if I can actually "buy" one of those "turquoise green" ones at the store, but luckily we know a lot of nurses. Hopefully one will magically surface in the next week. Shhh!
1.27.2009
Gung Hay Fat Choy (a la Chinese time)
So I'm a little late in wishing everyone a Happy CNY! But hey, I'm good according to "Chinese time"!
DH and I are both ABC, American-born Chinese. In fact, my dad is also ABC, but he does a great job of helping us to carry on as much tradition as possible. Here's a peak into our home during this time of the year. In preparation for CNY, we first close the year with a special dinner. My dad, being the chef that he is does all the cooking! My job is to eat.
This is pork, that typically people would buy, but my Dad has mastered his own recipe. The skin is crispy and it's quite tasty dipped in oyster sauce!
And, noodles, a common dish for long life - these clear, sort of slimy noodles are so yummy!
My favorite - black mushrooms. Gracyn loves these!
Of course, you can't forget the rice!
We have oranges and tangerines all over the house, including the bedrooms.
Here's the duck. Yes, that's its head! Suprisingly the kids didn't even notice or ask if it was one the ducks we go feed on a regular basis!
And of course, there's chicken, and yes, that's its head AND its heart in its mouth.
Lycee, red envelopes, are given to all "single" people, no matter the age. For our kids, we place them under their pillows the night before CNY!
Late night before CNY my dad begins preparing "Ji" (rhymes with eye), an all vegetarian dish for breakfast, (lunch and dinner too, if you can handle it) on CNY. Gracyn decided to hang around the kitchen and munch on the snow peas!
Dad chopping away.
Gracyn taste testing. AGAIN. She must have eaten at least a half dozen snow peas. Well, I must confess, I helped her round that off to a full dozen!
The tofu preparation made Gracyn's eyes light up, watching the sizzle and steam!
And, well, I have no cute photos of them in Chinese gear, but I do have these silly photos of them having fun the night before CNY. Our rule on CNY, no arguing. . .so playing and DANCING to HM is great thing before going to bed.
So for us, no washing of hair on CNY, no meat on CNY, and we enjoy "Ji". (Which really is more associated with Buddhist practice.) But we're not hard core, we do bathe! And I cheat by washing my hair the night before and just getting it wet in the shower the next morning, just no suds! And as much as Peyton loves his bath time, he was excited to come home yesterday and put on his PJ's. (I let him use the excuse of no bath and no washing of his hair.) He still smells good. I did a sniff check.
We are so happy to have Gracyn home for her first CNY with us. I have no idea if this is even remotely similar to how she celebrated in Taiwan. Last year we sent her lycee to her in a care package, and I actually have a photo of her holding it. And she loves the "Ji" which isn't a surprise when it comes to Gracyn because she seems to embrace all Chinese food. But typically kids aren't too fond of the dish. She also insisted on eating with chopsticks, and not the baby ones, the long wooden ones. In fact, she always eats more if I feed her with chopsticks. We enjoyed the closing and the opening of the Chinese New Year, and are looking forward to the other dinners in which we'll be celebrating with extended family. Oh, and that's when the kids get to "collect" all of their red envelopes! Our kids have a lot of relatives that are married, so they get more than they can count! As a kid, that's the fun part!
Whether our traditions are right or wrong by the book, they're our family's traditions. Exactly the way I remember them growing up. I hope these live on through the generations to come.
GUNG HAY FAT CHOY to you and yours! May the Year of the Ox be a prosperous and healthy one for all!
DH and I are both ABC, American-born Chinese. In fact, my dad is also ABC, but he does a great job of helping us to carry on as much tradition as possible. Here's a peak into our home during this time of the year. In preparation for CNY, we first close the year with a special dinner. My dad, being the chef that he is does all the cooking! My job is to eat.
This is pork, that typically people would buy, but my Dad has mastered his own recipe. The skin is crispy and it's quite tasty dipped in oyster sauce!
And, noodles, a common dish for long life - these clear, sort of slimy noodles are so yummy!
My favorite - black mushrooms. Gracyn loves these!
Of course, you can't forget the rice!
We have oranges and tangerines all over the house, including the bedrooms.
Here's the duck. Yes, that's its head! Suprisingly the kids didn't even notice or ask if it was one the ducks we go feed on a regular basis!
And of course, there's chicken, and yes, that's its head AND its heart in its mouth.
Lycee, red envelopes, are given to all "single" people, no matter the age. For our kids, we place them under their pillows the night before CNY!
Late night before CNY my dad begins preparing "Ji" (rhymes with eye), an all vegetarian dish for breakfast, (lunch and dinner too, if you can handle it) on CNY. Gracyn decided to hang around the kitchen and munch on the snow peas!
Dad chopping away.
Gracyn taste testing. AGAIN. She must have eaten at least a half dozen snow peas. Well, I must confess, I helped her round that off to a full dozen!
The tofu preparation made Gracyn's eyes light up, watching the sizzle and steam!
And, well, I have no cute photos of them in Chinese gear, but I do have these silly photos of them having fun the night before CNY. Our rule on CNY, no arguing. . .so playing and DANCING to HM is great thing before going to bed.
So for us, no washing of hair on CNY, no meat on CNY, and we enjoy "Ji". (Which really is more associated with Buddhist practice.) But we're not hard core, we do bathe! And I cheat by washing my hair the night before and just getting it wet in the shower the next morning, just no suds! And as much as Peyton loves his bath time, he was excited to come home yesterday and put on his PJ's. (I let him use the excuse of no bath and no washing of his hair.) He still smells good. I did a sniff check.
We are so happy to have Gracyn home for her first CNY with us. I have no idea if this is even remotely similar to how she celebrated in Taiwan. Last year we sent her lycee to her in a care package, and I actually have a photo of her holding it. And she loves the "Ji" which isn't a surprise when it comes to Gracyn because she seems to embrace all Chinese food. But typically kids aren't too fond of the dish. She also insisted on eating with chopsticks, and not the baby ones, the long wooden ones. In fact, she always eats more if I feed her with chopsticks. We enjoyed the closing and the opening of the Chinese New Year, and are looking forward to the other dinners in which we'll be celebrating with extended family. Oh, and that's when the kids get to "collect" all of their red envelopes! Our kids have a lot of relatives that are married, so they get more than they can count! As a kid, that's the fun part!
Whether our traditions are right or wrong by the book, they're our family's traditions. Exactly the way I remember them growing up. I hope these live on through the generations to come.
GUNG HAY FAT CHOY to you and yours! May the Year of the Ox be a prosperous and healthy one for all!
1.23.2009
Where the Taiwan seed was planted. . .
We deliberately took a day off from going to Church, and planned a family outing. A chance to reconnect after the holidays. We took the kids to a little kiddie town local to our area, where there's animals, and play structures, and since it was cold the day we went, we felt like we had the place to ourselves! This was Gracyn's first trip to this place of family tradition. You see, Darryl and I came here as children, and we've brought Peyton here too, and well, the whole subject of Taiwan actually came up in this very place when I attended a playgroup function and there were adorable little ones newly home with their forever families. This is where the Taiwan seed was planted.
Gracyn is now consistently saying "Mama" and "Da" - we're so proud of her! She just starting seeing a speech therapist once a week. Soon she'll also be seeing an OT. We also plan to see a family therapist to discuss her possible attachment issues. While she seems so well-adjusted during the day, nights are still rough. She's getting better with me leaving the room, and knows what to expect when I leave the house for work, but other than that, she really can throw a fit if I leave without her. Better to get help now, than to wait until she's 4!
These two rascals are really starting to behave like siblings. Peyton is constantly trying to pick her up, sometimes squeezing her a little too hard! They fight over toys and well, I'm just loving it! I've never had a sibling, so to witness the synergy is amazing. Gracyn gets jealous if Peyton is on my lap, and when she's mad, she usually swats Peyton on the face! But, as you can see from the pictures, they're also very close, and enjoy one another.
Daddy is so good to me! He doesn't make me slide down with the kids. For some reason, I'm not much for crazy rides or curvy slides. Not sure how he managed to get both of them all the way up this one, or better yet, how he got them and himself down, but they did it! He calls Gracyn, "honey" - it's sweet.
She really is sweet, isn't she? We feel so blessed to call her our daughter. She's so silly, and laughs a lot now! When she gets excited she gets loud, and does this "horse galloping" move - it's super cute!
Gotta love the pigs. Like brother like sister. If Peyton is interested, Gracyn's right next to him - she hates, absolutely despises being left out of the excitement. She still copies everything Peyton does!
"Hmmmmm. . .what are those things anyways? They don't look like our dog, and they're sort of fat, and well, I guess I should be interested because my brother's into 'em."
"You want me to walk through this thing?! And you're going to take pictures while I do it?! All right. . .I guess it won't be so bad."
"I DID IT! Happy now? Got enough to blog about Mama?"
It's photos like these that capture the moment. . .her tiny little hand. That hand is the hand she holds her bottle with because her other one isn't quite strong enough. That's the hand that got washed in a sink at SLC by my Dad and apparently made her very happy. It's the same hand that I wrapped mine around and helped to spray a water hose with that made her truly giggle for the very first time. It's the hand that used to wave to me to go AWAY, but is now used to motion for me to come with her. The same little hand that grasps our fingers and pulls us to wherever she wants us to be. (Usually the snack cabinet that she can't reach!) And last but not least, it's the hand with an itty bitty finger that she's successfully got us all wrapped around!
We had a wonderful family day and ended our trip with the "traditional" photo op on the rabbit. When Darryl and I got married and we put our collage together, we each had photos of ourselves posing on top of the rabbit! And to think, just five and half years later, here are OUR kiddos. The loves of our lives. . .
Gracyn is now consistently saying "Mama" and "Da" - we're so proud of her! She just starting seeing a speech therapist once a week. Soon she'll also be seeing an OT. We also plan to see a family therapist to discuss her possible attachment issues. While she seems so well-adjusted during the day, nights are still rough. She's getting better with me leaving the room, and knows what to expect when I leave the house for work, but other than that, she really can throw a fit if I leave without her. Better to get help now, than to wait until she's 4!
These two rascals are really starting to behave like siblings. Peyton is constantly trying to pick her up, sometimes squeezing her a little too hard! They fight over toys and well, I'm just loving it! I've never had a sibling, so to witness the synergy is amazing. Gracyn gets jealous if Peyton is on my lap, and when she's mad, she usually swats Peyton on the face! But, as you can see from the pictures, they're also very close, and enjoy one another.
Daddy is so good to me! He doesn't make me slide down with the kids. For some reason, I'm not much for crazy rides or curvy slides. Not sure how he managed to get both of them all the way up this one, or better yet, how he got them and himself down, but they did it! He calls Gracyn, "honey" - it's sweet.
She really is sweet, isn't she? We feel so blessed to call her our daughter. She's so silly, and laughs a lot now! When she gets excited she gets loud, and does this "horse galloping" move - it's super cute!
Gotta love the pigs. Like brother like sister. If Peyton is interested, Gracyn's right next to him - she hates, absolutely despises being left out of the excitement. She still copies everything Peyton does!
"Hmmmmm. . .what are those things anyways? They don't look like our dog, and they're sort of fat, and well, I guess I should be interested because my brother's into 'em."
"You want me to walk through this thing?! And you're going to take pictures while I do it?! All right. . .I guess it won't be so bad."
"I DID IT! Happy now? Got enough to blog about Mama?"
It's photos like these that capture the moment. . .her tiny little hand. That hand is the hand she holds her bottle with because her other one isn't quite strong enough. That's the hand that got washed in a sink at SLC by my Dad and apparently made her very happy. It's the same hand that I wrapped mine around and helped to spray a water hose with that made her truly giggle for the very first time. It's the hand that used to wave to me to go AWAY, but is now used to motion for me to come with her. The same little hand that grasps our fingers and pulls us to wherever she wants us to be. (Usually the snack cabinet that she can't reach!) And last but not least, it's the hand with an itty bitty finger that she's successfully got us all wrapped around!
We had a wonderful family day and ended our trip with the "traditional" photo op on the rabbit. When Darryl and I got married and we put our collage together, we each had photos of ourselves posing on top of the rabbit! And to think, just five and half years later, here are OUR kiddos. The loves of our lives. . .
1.21.2009
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