It must run deeper than the terrible 2's. . .

Peyton has grown up with N and M, a set of twin cousins that were born just a couple of days apart from him. Unfortunately they don't live closer, but fortunately, they do live in close proximity to Disneyland, so it's still a WIN. The Twinnies' Mom, D, is a big Kid at HEART! I don't know if I'd ever have enough guts to do this on my own, let alone with the kids in tow! (See below.)

Since we left the Happiest Place on Earth, it's been all about a "NOT so Happy" Gracyn. . .So, here are some seriously HAPPY pics the last day of our trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. And then we returned home. . .to a very regressed,not so happy, Gracyn. What went wrong? We knew being in a hotel room, away from home and the pattern of life might shake her schedule up a bit, but after being home for 2 weeks now, there's still NO improvement or signs of returning back to normalcy. When will the normalcy return? We hit 6 months and things were great. One step forward and several steps back.

Peyt and Grace with Auntie D and M. N raced them down on his tricycle!

 

 

 

The 3 Musketeers!

 

Just the boys!

 

Gracyn has been clingier than ever. She throws a screaming, crying fit, every time she doesn't get her way. We've been working on Daddy changing her diaper, which was going fairly well. Until Saturday night. Daddy changed her, and I stayed close by, reassuring her that she was "okay" - The family therapist was very much in favor of this. Me jumping in when she cries send the message that Daddy can't do it, so I stay near, and comfort with words. So you're thinking, okay, a 2 year old having a fit, what's the big deal, right? Well, she went into a tailspin and lost it. Literally lost it. For third party input here, my dad said it was like Taiwan all over again.

Gracyn becomes hysterical. Peyton jumps in and hits Daddy with a fist telling him to stop - he thinks Daddy is hurting her - but he's not. I jump in, and immediately tell Peyton not to hit Daddy. He's holding her and trying to comfort her out of her breakdown. Peyton doesn't get it, and starts to cry, telling me he doesn't like to hear Gracyn cry. I'm touched, concerned, and overwhelmed all at once. I finally jump in after having both kids crying, for what seemed like forever, and took over Gracyn. Told DH to go ahead and take Peyton to Grandma and Grandpa's - he had a planned overnight stay to spend some time with them.

Gracyn is back to the state of conflict - she's calling for me, I'm right there trying to hold her but she pushes me away. And then she gets up and wants me to hold her again, and that works for a second and then back on the ground crying. She looks at me with those blank eyes as if she has no idea who I am, although she's calling for Mama. I think she was wanting me to comfort her, but was mad that I let Daddy change her. Or, she wasn't calling for me, when she was yelling for Mama, but was expecting someone else's comforting arms. She cried, and screamed, and cried and screamed some more, she kicked and pushed, stared into space, and went into her "catatonic state." She finally calmed down, stopped crying, and then I held her as she fell asleep. But when she calms down, it's like out of no where with no trigger. She just snaps out it.

Poor baby. It's so hard. If I were to give into her every whim, she wouldn't throw her fits, and I wouldn't run the risk of her tail spinning into a full blown "episode" as I have referred to them before. But she's 2, and very much in her "Independent Terrible 2's" phase, and she needs boundaries and limitations too, right? So, sometimes when she doesn't get her way, it's a normal "fit", well, normal for her - a little more intense than what I'd consider a Terrible 2's tantrum, and she returns to herself shortly thereafter. But since we've returned from the Happiest Place Earth, her tantrums have turned into so much more. She's been not so happy.

But don't get me wrong, there are good and normal of the day where you'd think I were making this all up - she appears happy and calm and comfortable in her environment. Are we the only ones to feel like we had finally "arrived" - bonded and adjusted after 6 months home, to suddenly feel as if we regressed to month one? I'm beside myself. Completely beside myself. My patience is running thin, and I have no idea how to help my daughter. Is it a phase? Is she just now getting comfortable and showing her true colors? Is it a chemical imbalance? Will it pass? Where did we go wrong? I really do think this is more than just the terrible two's. Remember my post about It runs deeper than the terrible 2's? (Click to refer back to the original post.)

Picnics and Pics. . .And DANGEROUS toys, oh my!

We enjoyed a weekend of picnics this month. . .one at the park, which was a blast. One at Costco, complete with a hot dog, a piece of pizza, a chicken bake, capri sun's (compliments of Mommy), on a picnic blanket in the back of the van. . .Let me just interject here and say that Peyton ate the whole piece of pizza, sans the toppings, Gracyn ate a little of everything, no surprises here, and me, I soaked up the memories. . .

The Kodak Moment
Peyton feeding Gracyn HIS pizza, and letting her have some of HIS drink, because Gracyn quickly consumed hers with the hopes of getting her hands on that big red cup with a straw that Daddy was enjoying.

Me: I wish I had my camera.

Peyton: I wish I had a "brudder" - (aka brother)

Peyton (in the car): When I get bigger I can watch the baby and can I have a dangerous toy? Cuz when you're big, you can have dangerous things, right, Mom? (The result of mommy saying, "No, no, that's dangerous. When you get bigger, you can learn to use a knife. . .or the big red scissors. . .or the bathroom cleaner. . .)

I finally installed PhotoShop. . .I struggled at first, well, I'm still struggling. . .I mean learning, through the "guided" process. Some of my favorites from our day at the Park.

Peyton isn't much for pictures. . .He is a thinker though. . .an old soul. And if I'm lucky I can catch a shot with a smile instead of his normal crinkled brow and intense "thinking" look. . .

 

Gracyn is super photogenic. A far cry from her first pictures where I had to avoid her seeing the camera or she'd block her eyes, or squint them closed.

 

I love this photo of Peyt. . .captures his active approach to life including a bounce in his step!

 

My baby girl has the most beautiful eyes and lashes I can only wish for!

 

It Broke My Heart, and Made Me Wonder

For the first time I viewed an episode of "Locator". A series about an investigator of sorts who works to reunite families, assisting adopted children to locate parents, and siblings. I was already in tears during the first case, when the daughter's birth mother refused to reunite with her, but wrote a heartfelt letter. By the second case, I was hysterical. Granted I'm pregnant, and I was watching it the night of the anniversary of my mom's death, but I mean I really lost it.

There was a case about 5 sisters, in which 4 had reunited, and they were looking to find the youngest sister, who was just a baby at the time they were separated. That's when it hit me. . .What if? What if Gracyn has siblings? What if she has siblings who remember her, but whom she has no recollection of? What if someone looks for her later in life, and is successful? What if Gracyn grows up feeling incomplete, and when located by her birth family, embraces her birth mother, birth siblings, birth family, whomever, as her "real" family, rejecting us her forever family? Sobbing uncontrollably, Darryl starts to comfort me, reminding me in essence that these girls didn't have a happy ending with loving forever families, so embracing a drug-addicted, deadbeat birth mother, was embracing a mother - period. They didn't feel they had a mother. I gently reminded him that two of the girls were adopted together by a childless couple, and there was no mention of them, but the girls did refer to their birth mother as their mom. Have I created an easier story in mind to accept and live with?

My story about Gracyn's past involves a young birth mother who was scared, perhaps poor, and unable to care for her. In my mind, Gracyn was the first and only child of this young, scared birth mother. You see the theme here, young and scared? No drugs, no crimes committed, not the unwanted child of a mother who had already boar other children. And her birth father, unfortunately, rarely plays a part in my thinking or my story. Gracyn has a story that is closer to that of a "daughter from China". And honestly when I think of the birth family stories that I have heard, they're by no means any easier to share later in life, but I worry about Gracyn. Will she be the only daughter from Taiwan who lacks so much information? Who has nothing, when others have photos, and names, and even gifts from their birth families to cherish? Will she ebrace her foster family as her birth family? Should I be trying to locate her birth family now before too much time passes? My mind is overflowing with questions, and I really wonder, have I simply oversimplified her story?

The Circle of Life. . .

Six years ago my mom went to Heaven, at the age of 53. Today, at 14 weeks and 4 days into our pregnancy, we await the birth of our third child. Today was bitter sweet. As was the day I got married, the day I gave birth, the day I met Gracyn, and the day I found out I was pregnant. All moments of joy I so wish I could have shared with my mom.

We spent the afternoon having lunch and playing at the flower park where my mom was buried. Moments of silence, and my dad's eyes closed in deep thought, and moments of pure joy and laughter as my dad tossed the kids up in the air. I loved watching them fly. It was like they were just a little closer to Heaven, closer to my mom so she could enjoy their smiles and laughter. (Although, Peyton didn't get much lift - he's a little bit heavier than Gracyn. Okay, a lot bit heavier, especially after the pizza!) It touched my heart and broke my heart all at the same time to have my four year old ask why his Po-Po was here, and to specifically ask if she lay in the ground before us. He's so mature at his age, and has been told so much about my mom, but I still like his mind is a bit young to process. He always says how sad it is that she's dead. To seem him ride around on his bike with the biggest of smiles would have made his Po-Po proud.

 

 

 

 

Mom, meet your third grandchild to be! Two days ago I went to the doctor, and well, I'll tell you more about the doctor herself later, but the baby is doing fine, has a strong heartbeat, and I think it's a girl. I suppose it's a 50/50 chance, but my gut tells me it's a girl. I miss you today more than ever. I know you're in a great place, but that doesn't stop me from wishing you were here. Thank you for being such an integral part of my life. I still had a lot of growing up to do when I lost you, and I sure do wish I still had you with me today to continue teaching me, molding me, loving me, and honestly, spoiling me. . .No one in the world could ever spoil me the way you did. All my love, your one and only.

 

Wednesday Without Words. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another year older, and a heck of lot wiser!

My dear husband is celebrating his birthday today! Well, he did on the 11th, but I was busy packing for Disneyland and forgot to publish the post. . . Last night as I watched him fold up one Pack-N-Play like a pro, and then open up our larger one in a split second, I had to comment and tell him how good he was at whole assembling and disassembling of baby gear. I think his response was, "I've grown. . ." Yes, my DH has grown into his role as a Dad quite a bit, if I do say so myself.

Let's put it this way. . .when I was in labor with Peyton, we were at the hospital forever. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, which merely consisted of toast. The whole day we waited, and waited. . .night came, morning came. . .I had only consumed jello in 24 hours. Darryl on the other hand, decided it was okay to eat a Sausage McMuffin in my hospital room, just a whiff away, a mere hour or so before I started to push. For the record, I love Sausage McMuffins, and I was starving. After Peyton was born, he left me at the hospital with a newborn by my side to go home and clean up. He actually went to get a hair cut and to eat some real food. Apparently sleeping in my hospital bed, and eating my hospital food wasn't enough. When he returned, I was expecting flowers, balloons, maybe a stuffed animal of sorts for his brand new son, but nope. . .not a stinkin' thing. Nothing. Nada. . .I told him I'd never let him live this one down!

Okay, so, it's his birthday, and I'm not telling this story to throw him under the bus, but rather to say, he has grown. He's grown a ton! From the once "dazed and confused" daddy who forgot to prop a pillow next to Peyton which lead to him rolling off the bed and under a side table (I actually could NOT find him for what seemed like minutes) or the guy who would fall asleep while sitting up carrying on a conversation, or wake up startled, thinking he needed to do something for the baby, boy has he grown. He can now pack a diaper bag on his own, bathe, diaper and change a kid, unfold and collapse almost any model of stroller on the market, make bottles in 30 seconds flat, install car seats (both rear and forward facing), and well, do the whole Pack-N-Play thing. Even the Eddie Bauer version!

Happy Birthday hon! You have not only grown a year older, but you have grown so, so much wiser. May the year ahead be full of blessings. You are a wonderful Dad, and loving and doting husband. In the almost 9 years that we've been together, we've had our share of ups and downs. I am blessed to share my life with you.

From Peyton: Happy Birthday Dad, once known as Daddy-Darryl! Thanks for riding with me on my motorcycle (aka ATV), and for letting me watch movies. Thanks for making me a second dinner every night while you make my lunch. You are my best buddy!

From Gracyn: Happy Birthday Ma-Ma, I mean Da-Da. Thanks for playing with me and for letting me climb all over you! I know I'm still mean to you sometimes, but I do love you. Especially for cuddling with me after bath time.

The Happiest Place on Earth, with the Best Mamas around. . .

The picture I've waited for. . .my double stroller, filled with my 2 kiddos!

 

Aren't they cute?

 

Dumbo Ride - worth the wait, and Gracyn loved flying!

 

Peyton and Daddy flying in front!

 

Autopia line was the hardest for Gracyn. . .Yes, even at the Happiest Place on Earth!

 

Guess who HAD to steer?

 

Mommy was driven by Race Car Driver Mr. P

 

No parade. . .bummer. . .but we did watch fireworks!

 

Fireworks were great! Except for the "scary" parts. . .Peyton was ready to leave.

 

As soon as we entered the park, we headed for the Rockets - no WAIT, and then to Autopia for Round 2, was much, much better. . .no tears! Just a lot of bumping around since Gracyn has yet to go through Driver's Ed!

 

Peyton's a pro. . .

 

Here's Gracyn on Alice in Wonderland. . .Guess where Peyton was? On SPACE MOUNTAIN! Yep, he barely made the height requirement. They measured him twice, people applauded when he was cleared for take off. . .Daddy wondered the whole ride if he was crying his head off, but he couldn't hear a thing. When they stopped, he wasn't crying, but let's just say, he was scared. Although, if you ask him, he'll tell you he wasn't scared at all! And by the way, Disney - it might be a good idea to tell parents to have their kids let go of the lap bar before it jolts forward and takes the kid flying with it!! This Alice in Wonderland, not Peter Pan! The dark ride was enough without the last minute flight!

 

Day 2, NO WAIT for Small World! Woo Hoo! Get in the right lane. . .The left lane had about 15-20 people waiting, but we hopped right on!!

 

 

 

 

Not a great shot, but you have to have the castle picture, right?

 

Lunch in Toon Town, with Peyton's buddy, Goofy!!!

 

 

We were in the very front of the monorail by ourselves! It was super cool. . .

 

 

 

Guess who's here?!! Yay, the Beau's arrive. . .

 

 

 

 

Wait, that's not Jaden!

 

Funny story about Mikey and Peyton. . .over dinner later that day the two made a plan. Peyton came up and asked me for his pass and a credit card. He and Mikey were ready to go to Disneyland and were heading in on their own. Oh, the tall tales of bravery these two had to tell! These two "big boys" were cruising around in their strollers, with paci's, but they WERE NOT AFRAID of Space Mountain. . Ri----ght. . .

 

 

 

After a much needed 2 hour nap at the Grand Californian, we meet the Beau's and the Mac's!!! We enjoyed dinner together on the patio of La Brea, watched Mike dance with the girls to the live band, and headed in for more DISNEY time!

 

I got to sit next to handsome Jacob, aka Coby, during dinner. He ATE his whole dinner! So well-mannered. Speaking of Coby, Darryl ran into the real Kobe at the hotel!

 

I know, I should have picked up Lucy when she tumbled, but I had to get the shot first! Even with tears, she's a doll!

 

And, if it wasn't already apparent from earlier photos, Jaden's daddy stole Gracyn's heart. . .and Lucy's too!

 

Look at these big brothers waiting ever so patiently for the choo-choo!! Isn't Brady the cutest? Regis and Kathy Lee, what's up?!

 

Sibling love at it's finest. . .

 

Miss Lucy checking out the view from the train!

 

So, we should have taken photos of the girls earlier in the day, I know. . .we were enjoying the moment! But, hey, we got the photo. . .and honestly, it wasn't about the photo, it was about being here together. WITH OUR GIRLS!! Finally HOME FOREVER. We enjoyed the happiest place on earth together, and we can't wait to watch the rest of the journey unfold. . .

 

 

 

 

Ramona and Jackie - Thank you for all of your support through the wait. And thank you for the memories at the Happiest Place on Earth. . .Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me, as long as mine are safe with you!

Disney tips:
If you can stay on property, the Grand Californian was extremely convenient, helpful and while a normal hotel room, it was comfortable, and came with a Pack N Play. Take a nap during the day if you a little one. Gracyn did much better in the evening since she got her rest! Bring snacks and drinks in. Stow them in your stroller basket. They're very lenient. Really only checking bags for dangerous items. I got in with a pair of scissors that I use for cutting up food. If your potty training toddler needs to get out of a line to go potty - do it, and tell Disney staff. They let all of us out of line, and right back in (we actually jumped ahead of others) and it made the wait easier. I brought the reusable cups with lids and straws - worked wonders for sharing drinks and they actually fit into the stroller cup holders and don't spill if the cup falls out. If you're morning people, get in when the doors open, hit the big attractions first with no wait, and get fast passes to go on them later in the day. (Only one fast pass can be active at a time, but they seem to work even after your time slot has passed.)