It runs deeper than the terrible 2's. . .

Behind Closed Doors
Yesterday marked the 3 month anniversary since meeting Gracyn. She continues to make progress, but still speaks minimal words, and has more recently been experiencing bouts of confusion, grief, and pain. It's almost as if she's been awaken from a deep sleep, but it comes out of nowhere. Not sure what triggers it, but once it starts, there's no other option but to let it run it's course.

It starts with her dropping to her bottom, then onto the floor. I've tried everything from sitting next to her, but giving her space, walking out of sight, but talking to her so she knows I'm still there, to holding her tight and rocking her with the hopes of the "breaking point" where she'll stop crying and find herself in my arms. Nothing seems to work. . .I just have to let her work it out. Some days the tears and the screaming don't bother me - I know it's part of her adjustment process, and nothing can ever compare to the experience of our train ride in Taiwan, but other days I just watch her, and my heart aches for her. I end up crying with her.

In the Media
I recently watched 20/20 where the featured story was on adopted children, and more specifically those with significant challenges leading to camps away from home, a mother in jail for killing her child during a rage, and in some cases even disruption. It was heartbreaking. Granted a lot of the children shown were from disturbing backgrounds of parental abuse, living with alcoholics, and multiple placements. But, let me tell you how it touched my soul and how I could still relate after only being home for 3 months with a 2 year old, who to my knowledge was in a healthy foster care arrangement. Gracyn still has days where getting buckled into a car seat causes her great distress and she fights like crazy. There are nights or during her spells, that I've been scratched and kicked repeatedly. I know not to take it personal, but that doesn't make it easy. I sometimes think she may be displacing her frustration or anger at her foster mother for "leaving" her onto me, her new "mother figure." My heart and prayers go out to these families.

Beginning to share the story of her Foster Family
The other night, I decided after much contemplation to show Gracyn photos of her foster family. Picture after picture, enlarged to be sure she could see their faces clearly I watched her reaction as I moved from one to the next. I was happy to see that the pictures caused her no tears or pain. I'm not sure if she quite comprehends pictures yet - not sure she even recognizes herself. But, she did point to me and to my dad in one of them. (She also just likes to point in general, so it may have been a coincidence.) I had originally feared what these photos might do to her. Set her back, make her angry, but it didn't. I had no intention of showing them to her until she was much older and could comprehend what I was saying. I'm glad I trusted my gut because I want to continue revisiting these photos and start sharing her story with her.

On Toddler Adoption and Attachment
I truly believe toddler adoption presents a very different experience. There's a lot to consider, and a lot of factors that impact what the transition will be like. Gracyn is very easy going, willing to share, smiles and waves to people, but she also has a very intense side to her, that I haven't learned yet how to comfort. She's super happy in the morning, and loves to help me get ready for the day. She loves to play, and laughs quite a bit now, but still, there's one side of her that hasn't let us in.

She has fallen asleep without me the last two nights. It requires creative orchestration - me sending her to daddy with something to hand over to him, daddy offers her a bottle and to watch "Baby Babble," and with a little luck, I hop into the shower, she settles down, and by the time I'm done, she's fast asleep. Granted it's not the best way to go to "bed", but we're working on her comfort level with Dad. So, the last two nights, instead of 4 of us in one room, and practically one bed, Peyton and I have camped out in his room. Luckily, he's happy to bunk with me! Progress on the daddy-front is good.

Prayers
With the holidays upon us, we continue to thank our Heavenly Father for so much in life, but especially for Gracyn. She is beautiful, precious, and funny too! I pray that it in the coming months she will open her heart to us fully and allow us to comfort her during her moments, or several minutes of grief. I pray for her bond with daddy to strengthen, and that He provide them both with patience in their hearts to work through their budding relationship. I pray for His guidance in mothering her and for more patience through this transitional period. I pray that Gracyn will allow daddy into her heart, and that she may be at peace knowing she is home forever, and is so loved by all of us.

For those awaiting the referrals of toddlers, or are nearing the next phase of your journey and will be welcoming toddlers home, I'm happy to answer any questions.


Gracyn - Mommy loves you with all her heart! I'm so blessed to call you my daughter, and I'm filled with joy to have you home for Christmas.