When my intuition and instincts simply aren't enough. . .

In addition to a Speech Therapist and an OT, we just starting seeing a family therapist to help us develop a plan to keep Gracyn moving in the right direction with her attachment and some of her "episodes". She has come a long way from the time I met her in Taiwan. She's starting to become more attached to Daddy now, which is a joy, and somewhat of a relief. She loves her mommy, which melts my heart, but there are still moments though, where my intuition, my motherly instincts, just aren't enough.

I found myself sharing with the therapist a piece of me that I had shared only with my husband. I went on to explain that as a mother of biological child, and now the mother to a child who came to me through adoption, I could honestly say that I felt with Gracyn, my intuition, my instincts, they're just not all there. Don't get me wrong, I know when my daughter is tired, hungry, overstimulated, wanting some love. But when she's in an "episode" and needs comfort, I can't seem to provide it. With Peyton, the sound of my voice, the scent of my hair - those things in and of themselves were often enough to bring comfort. Gracyn and I have only been with each other for a little over four months, and we're both still getting to know one another. We're in love, yes. We're attached, yes. I still haven't figured out everything that makes her tick, or sets her off, or what I can do to "instantly" soothe her. That's the honest truth. I think the fact that she came home at an older age has a lot to do with it. She's been taught, in part, what is supposed to comfort her. Me, I just don't know what that is.

When she gets hurt, and I run to her to pick her up, that makes her calm instantly. It's when she's in the torn state of, "I'm not happy, I want something, I think it's you, but when you're in my face it's not you that I want, but if you leave, I do want you, and I'll come to you for comfort, so maybe it is you I want and need?" Okay, so that was a mouthful. But this is the state that Gracyn still falls into on a pretty regular basis, and we hope that with the help of a therapist, she can guide is us in determining what's "terrible 2's" or personality, versus what might run much deeper. I explained to our therapist that the only way she calms down, is if I quietly walk away, and then she pops up a minute later, and runs to me with a smile. I had no idea, until talking to our therapist that she may be suppressing her emotions because she thinks she can't be "sad", so she smiles and then gets the love she craves. It broke my heart. I felt I had done more damage than good. It's the only thing that calms her down, but if she's suppressing emotions, forget it. More to come after the next evaluation.

Some may judge me for this post. I share it to hopefully be helpful to others. It's not to say that parents who only have children through adoption lack instinct - that's absurd. I know many adoptive mothers who are extremely in tune with their maternal instincts. It's not to say that the instincts with a biological child are better, or stronger than that of those with an adopted child. I'm simply trying to say that I recognize where my instincts with my daughter, who happens to be adopted, and came to me at an older age, aren't quite up to par. Perhaps I am the only one who is lacking in this department, but quite honestly, I'd have to say that my motherly instincts are naturally strong. I never expected my instincts to kick in with Gracyn from the moment I met her. After all, the time she's been home with me is still less than half the time Peyton was with me (in womb). The therapist assured me this was normal, and that it would take time. So if anyone else is in my boat, know it's okay, or at least by our therapist it is!

And let me say now, that our life is far from gloomy. Gracyn is full joy, and she's silly, and she gives kisses. She's actually easier than Peyton was at this age. She loves to help, and loves to cuddle. This is really the only area that we don't think we can overcome without intervention and I'd much rather address this now, as small or as big of an issue as it may be, than put it off and have her attachment with us stifled. I think the combination of delayed verbal speech, some sensory issues, and her age in joining our family, has put Gracyn in a place of not knowing if she wants more, or if she bear "that" much. We're looking forward to how she develops with the help of all of these wonderful therapists!

Moving on to stacking more blocks, threading more beads, rolling around on a yoga ball, playing peek-a-boo, watching signing videos, continuing to use sign language (now Peyton wants to know the signs for everything!), working towards more consistency and talking through our day to avoid surprise and disruption, and learning how to apply firm pressure to create more comfort and assurance of self in space. . .whew! And that's not the end of it. . .The funniest part of meeting with early intervention was when I was offered the opportunity to be connected with other parents in similar situations. I declined that one confidently, knowing I have all of you - so, I welcome any and all suggestions on speech, sensory, and attachment whether you're licensed to practice or not!