My Girlfriend. . .

at six months. . .

 

at ten months. . .

 

and at a year old. . .

 

 

 

This will be Gracyn's second Christmas with us. While we waited for her to come home, I so desperately wanted more photos of her. I held on to the 9 or so photos of her from about the age of 1, for almost a year. In many ways, I'm glad I didn't get my wish. To have had over a year to get to know my daughter, and then to go back and look at her baby pictures now, is incredible.

I look at her baby pictures today, and think to myself, "Uh oh, she was sick in this photo or was coming down with something," because I see the familiar look in her eyes. I wonder what was bothering her that day, because I can see her anxiety. I remember understand why the light up toy that spins is one of her favorite toys today because she had one as a baby. I remember that she loved her hands and feet held as a baby, so that still comforts her now. I remember why she loves penguins, and doesn't mind wearing hats. She slept on a penguin blanket, and never took off her hats as a baby. I remember how easy it was to put hair pretties on her as a baby, and how she never fought back or pulled them out. I remember how she loved to be at church and how she loved to sing and pray . .and then I remember that I'm not remembering anything at all. I don't have any memories of Gracyn as a baby to be remembered. But I have had the opportunity to reflect back, and I can see things clearly.

I continue to periodically go back and look at her photos because each time I see something different, something new, something that I recognize because I know her that much better. I thank God for choosing me to be her mother, and I thank her Foster Family for sending these photos of Gracyn. I wanted them for her. I wanted them so she would have a baby book to look at. I wanted them so she wouldn't feel left out when she gets older and sees how many photos we have of Peyton and Addi as babies. What I didn't realize was that I wanted them back then because I wanted more of her and I didn't want to miss out on her firsts. In reality, I needed to have them now to truly enjoy reflecting back on her first years of life rather than crying over lost time.