For the first time I viewed an episode of "Locator". A series about an investigator of sorts who works to reunite families, assisting adopted children to locate parents, and siblings. I was already in tears during the first case, when the daughter's birth mother refused to reunite with her, but wrote a heartfelt letter. By the second case, I was hysterical. Granted I'm pregnant, and I was watching it the night of the anniversary of my mom's death, but I mean I really lost it.
There was a case about 5 sisters, in which 4 had reunited, and they were looking to find the youngest sister, who was just a baby at the time they were separated. That's when it hit me. . .What if? What if Gracyn has siblings? What if she has siblings who remember her, but whom she has no recollection of? What if someone looks for her later in life, and is successful? What if Gracyn grows up feeling incomplete, and when located by her birth family, embraces her birth mother, birth siblings, birth family, whomever, as her "real" family, rejecting us her forever family? Sobbing uncontrollably, Darryl starts to comfort me, reminding me in essence that these girls didn't have a happy ending with loving forever families, so embracing a drug-addicted, deadbeat birth mother, was embracing a mother - period. They didn't feel they had a mother. I gently reminded him that two of the girls were adopted together by a childless couple, and there was no mention of them, but the girls did refer to their birth mother as their mom. Have I created an easier story in mind to accept and live with?
My story about Gracyn's past involves a young birth mother who was scared, perhaps poor, and unable to care for her. In my mind, Gracyn was the first and only child of this young, scared birth mother. You see the theme here, young and scared? No drugs, no crimes committed, not the unwanted child of a mother who had already boar other children. And her birth father, unfortunately, rarely plays a part in my thinking or my story. Gracyn has a story that is closer to that of a "daughter from China". And honestly when I think of the birth family stories that I have heard, they're by no means any easier to share later in life, but I worry about Gracyn. Will she be the only daughter from Taiwan who lacks so much information? Who has nothing, when others have photos, and names, and even gifts from their birth families to cherish? Will she ebrace her foster family as her birth family? Should I be trying to locate her birth family now before too much time passes? My mind is overflowing with questions, and I really wonder, have I simply oversimplified her story?
6 comments:
Hi- I have been lurking for a year now and really enjoy your blog. As human being, I think we naturally want to simply our adoptive children's "story" to perhaps minimize pain or perhaps ease our own mind...
I adopted my son from Taiwan about 2 1/2 years ago from Tainan, Taiwan through private adoption. I have kept close contact with his birth family. His birth mother was a very scared 16-year- old, but his grandfather father took control of the situation and made sure that my son was properly placed with a family of their choosing. I am forever grateful to his birth family.
The thought and possibility of my son wanting to reunite, embrace, and "be" with his birth family instead of us, his adoptive parents, did cross my mind a few times. The first time that thought and possibility did sadden and scare me. However, as time goes on I have come to peace with that possibility. I think at the end of the day, we don't "own" our children, so we can't control how they will feel about us or themselves as they grow up and become their own person. I will give my son all my blessing and I will love him just as much if he wants to follow his instinct and his heart no matter which direction. However, I will continue to teach him that he has two families who love him equally and he can love both families as much and will never have to choose.
At present, the reason I work hard to keep that connection with his birth family is because I actually want my son to have that choice and "possibility" open for him later in his life. I don’t want to have regrets. In addition, I don’t want him to ever feel incomplete simply because I don't try hard enough to keep in touch or because I want to protect my own feeling more than his. Luckily, I speak, read and write Chinese so that makes this task of staying in touch with his birth family a lot easier. What worries me is that what if I die too soon and my ABC husband who doesn’t know any Chinese just can’t keep the connection going!
It is certainly easier to try to locate Gracyn's birth mother now than wait for years later from a practically stand point of view. It doesn’t mean that you will find them even if you try, but still more likely than if you try years late. However, if you are not ready to do this emotionally, you can't force it, either.
Personally, I just know that I sleep better at night when I have a more open mind and attitude towards my son's birth family. I am not very articulate at all and what I shared with you it's just my two cents (and most of my friends think I am weird, anyway! :) Sorry, if I rambled too much!!
BTW, congratulations on your third baby!
Wow Tiff,
So much going on in there...
I can't imagine the emotions you must be feeling right now. You have me in tears right along with you. We don't have very much information at all regarding Allie's birth mother either and I struggle sometimes with what we do have...There have been a couple of times when I've heard a similar story and even wonder if what I was told is even true... I mean, 2 or 3 of the children that were at SLC with Allie do share a very similar story and it makes me wonder if they are related somehow. I have to think that we were told the truth, but I still have my doubts for some reason.
Maybe keeping it simple is best for our daughters. Wish there was a way to know for sure...
I am cryin along with you my friend. I have no words for you really but my love and hugs are going out to you
your friend
Tami
Noah's mama
www.tillGodbringsthemhome.blogspot.com
I've never heard of this show. Before J got home, I'd watch the Hallmark adoption videos, but never Locator. I'll have to look it up.
I think before J got here, I was much more conscientious of the birth family issues, even worried. Now that she's here, I don't worry at all about her embracing her birth family, but I do worry that she may want to meet them and not get the opportunity or maybe even be refused by them. I just don't know - having so much family around me, I can't even begin to walk in her shoes.
Thank you for sharing this.
Tiffany,
Hard things to think about, especially if you are pregnant and have all those extra hormones running out of control. Congratulations by the way!
I do know Maya's history..well let me rephrase that, I know what Maya's birth parents want me to know about her history and why they gave her up. I know that she has siblings and was the youngest of five children. I do not know much else, and it is "the what else is there" that scares me if I think about it too long.
I do hope Maya meets her birth family someday, I asked her BM if I could bring her back and her BM disolved into a heap of tears and sobs as she shook her head yes. That was the moment I knew it would be okay to have them present in her life again someday...to watch her birth mother, father and siblings with her that day took my many of my What if questions away...Will it completely shatter my heart if she feels the need to choose between us and them and choses them? Of corse it will and tears sting my eyes just thinking about that, but I am a religious girl just like you and I KNOW that it will all work out, God did not give me the gift of Maya just to take her away from me like that. That day when her birthmother sobbed as I asked to bring her back taught me one thing and that was that no matter how hard I tried to deny it, the fact is Maya does have two families, two families who love her and who both want the best for her. She has two mothers, one who had the courage to let her go when she could not take care of her, and one that will find the courage to do the same if that is what needs to happen. I have faith that this will never have to happen and that when that someday comes when Maya meets her birth family, we can all just unite and rejoice in who Maya has become because we ALL loved her.
As far as the details surrounding your sweet girl, I think it needs to be simple so that she can understand. I think that if you could handle it emotionally, it would be a good thing to try to find out more about the Taiwanese family. At some point G will ask you questions and if you are prepared with answers that you are comfortable with it makes it so much easier to talk about. We already talk about Maya's Taiwan momma and dadda and how much they love her, sure Maya really does not understand it now, but I do this for me so that I am completely comfortable talking about it when the tough questions come. I want Maya to know that she can come to me whenever she has a doubt or question about how she joined our family and by talking about it with her now, I hope it will be easy for her in the future.
Sorry for the rambling, I hope this makes a little sence.
Hugs,
Janalee
Can't find this show. Is it on cable?
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