Prayer and Music warms the heart. . .

Here's a post I started earlier on Thursday. . .
Thank you all for lifting me up in prayer. And a big thanks to the prayers from my church family - thanks Pastor Sean!

Thank you Tami! I watched the video dedicated to Celeste and American music sounded so good. Youtube here I come. . .Flashdance, Time after Time, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, September (Earth, Wind & Fire) - a song DH and danced to at our wedding. . .

Then I moved to Chris Tomlin - Amazing Love, Holy is the Lord, How Great is Our God. . .We Fall Down, Blessed be Your Name, God of Wonders. It felt so good to let out some more tears. My dad took Gracyn out for a walk, and I was able to just be alone. To be with God.

Shortly after I wrote this (on Thursday still), we were able to Skype with PEYTON, my favorite little guy! My Hero. While we were Skyping we were eating Mas Burgers and Fries, along with a good ole Coke.

I was talking to Peyton, telling him how much I loved him, I was so happy to see the little guy! I asked him for a kiss (he actually kisses the screen) and guess who comes running to me. . .that's right, little miss Gracyn with lips smooched together and ready to plant one. Everyone got to witness Gracyn and Mommy's first kiss! She kept running to and from me and Dad offering up her love! My Dad said Peyton looked sad when he saw me kissing his baby sister. . .Gracyn apparently started to feel some pressure for attention.

Meanwhile, during the same call, she started climbing all over Dad, apparently has had french fries before because she didn't want a little bite, she wanted a whole fry to dip in ketchup - that's my girl! She ate some burger, and yep, we let her have some Coke - she knows how to use a straw and sip from a water bottle quite well. Peyton is my little HERO! And of course, I thank God for this. It was amazing to see Gracyn waving at Daddy and Peyt with smiles, and for the first time we really got to see Gracyn.

 

Daddy and Peyton went shoe shopping and Peyton picked out Nikes. Then they picked out a dress for Gracyn! How cute! They showed it to use via Skype.

Dad took Gracyn out for a walk after the great call, and she fell asleep in her stroller. Slept over 2 hours like a little angel.


Last but not least, here's a photo from her first bath that I never got around to posting. . .She really doesn't like the flash, so it's hard to take pictures of her indoors. When she sees the camera coming she squints and covers her face!


Today was a good day. . .I loved having time on-line with Peyt, and having Gracyn kiss me for the first time was so sweet. I'm starting to feel what it's like being a Mommy to 2! I was torn. . .I wanted Gracyn's kisses, but I didn't want my Peyton to think I had forgotten about him. . .My love for each of them is so unique, just as they are.

Thank you Heavenly Father for this beautiful day!

Prayers Needed. . .So homesick.

Well, we were almost home. . .the first document requested of me at AIT was incomplete, so to make a long, and dreadful day short, we're not coming home tomorrow.

Please pray that Darryl, and possibly Peyton, have a safe journey to drop off the needed document to our agency.

Please pray that this package is handled with care, "given angel wings" as someone suggested, and arrives in Taipei as planned on Friday.

Please pray that the "urgent" note gets it delivered with time to spare, so we can return to AIT and head straight to the airport on Friday.

Please pray that we are able to rearrange our flights, not incur anymore unexpected challenges or cost.

Please pray that Gracyn continues to make progress as she has been, and is comfortable on the the flight home. I think (from many others' suggestions) the delay may be God's way of saying, she needs one more day to adjust.

I know that's one big prayer request, but God is good. God only gives you what you can handle, right? I think I might have failed at "handling" it today, but He knows I'm not perfect.

Thoughts for the day. . .
I personally am in need of some strength to overcome the worries and anxiety that are weighing so heavily on my heart. Gracyn was so cute today, and much happier. She's really bonding well with my dad, and isn't avoiding me as much. She takes my hand and walks me to where she wants to be, she has the cutest little smile, my dad affectionately refers to as a "commercial smile" because she goes from straight face to beaming in a flash. Speaking of flash, she hates the camera or the flash on the camera so sorry for no new photos. I think I've only taken a couple since we got back from SLC. This is God's way of saying, enjoy the moment, live it, you can't always be behind the camera.

Homesick. . .in big, big way.
I have never really been homesick in my life. Today, I experienced and continue to experience homesickness like nothing I've ever imagined. I miss my husband and son so deeply that it hurts and makes me cry to think about it. Every time we hang up on Skype my heart just breaks. I love them with all that I am, and my husband has been doing everything in his power to keep me whole. He even considered flying here to be with me the rest of the journey. He's the same man that flew me miles away for a surprise birthday dinner before we got married. . .just for the meal and to return home the very same day. . .yep, that guy. My wonderful husband.

I know in my heart why this is happening on our journey. Gracyn is making a ton of progress. One more day would do her wonders. We're getting into a routine with her. I think I also needed a reminder of how much I love my family before we head home and take the next steps of this journey which I anticipate to be very challenging. This is strengthening our love so we can work together to make our new family work. It is showing me how much I depend on my husband for his love and support. I know sometimes I take his love for granted. . .after this, I don't think that will ever be the case again. For that, I thank God. For my family, and my incredible Dad, I thank God. For the support and friends out there helping me track down my husband today (Ramona, Sarah, Judy, Tami, Lora, and others we missed) I thank God. For my children, Peyton and Gracyn, I thank God.

After writing the above through tears, I feel so much better. God is good.

Thank you. . .

I wanted to thank everyone for the love and support and all the advice across the miles. I am so blessed! I think after looking back, I should probably write this post. . .

Gracyn let's me do the primary care-giving by way of feeding and changing. My dad helped me with her bath, but I bathed her and lotioned her up. She seems to think that my Dad can take her back to where she was. She thinks of me as the one to bring her to the room and that I'm holding her captive.

The more I assess the situation, she's not really mad at me - she's just plain mad. She seems to get over some episodes more quickly now than before, but still has at least a couple of long episodes of thrashing around. I just continue to stay in sight if she needs a break from physical contact, or I try to rock and hold her.

God has been my strenth. I finally started to breakdown today, and the tears have helped. This is reality. I knew it, I tried to prepare myself for it, but let's face it, until you've "BEEN THERE and DONE THAT" you can never be fully prepared.

We're going to try to meet with friends in Taipei tonight as hard as it may be, and then after that it's really the AIT appt, and our flight home. Home sounds so good. And I guess when I get on that plane I just have to remember 11 hours and we're home. . .no matter how hard those hours may be.

Thank heavens for GongGong. . .I'm not opposed to Benadryl if it will help ease her pain by allowing her to rest. She has only just begun this part of her life with her forever family.

I do remind myself she's not rejecting me, and since she likes to play feeding games with cheerios, and lets me hug and kiss her, and giggles when we play, she certainly has demonstrated some signs of trust and bonding. Thanks for the reminders though!!!

And I thought I should finally mention, that Gracyn is absolutely stunning in person! Her cheeks are so full for such a skinny little girl, and she has this way of "turning on" her smile and being silly.

Any advice from BTDT moms?

So, it's clear now that Gracyn hits my dad (swats, not hitting violently) just as much as she hits me. When she needs a bottle and a nap, it's me that does it, and after a little battle, she lets me in - I stare into her eyes, and sing to her, and she periodically will have an episode, and scream/cry, and hold her tight, and she goes back to the bottle and then to sleep. If she stirs, and wakes, I can comfort her - she knows it's me. She looks at me, with fear, screams bloody murder, and then gives in. . .

I don't get it. . .It's like she trusts me, but she's just really, really angry, or really darn spoiled? Anyone out there have kids that screamed and cried the whole way home? I've noticed in Taiwan there's little tolerance for such disruption. After all, we got kicked out of the train cabin, right? Can they kick me off the plane? I'm worried about her - when she gets really upset, she just can't break it, and she throws herself backwards so hard, that I'm afraid she'll hurt herself. I try to hold onto her tightly, but it doesn't always work. If you're reading this and you know anyone who has a challenging journey coming home, please ask them for advice for me!

Gracyn is sleeping now - she's not usually a napper, but she didn't sleep much last night. She needed a break, and quite frankly the peace is doing me some good too.

Thanks in advance for the support and advice. Please remember she's a 2 year old, who isn't on much solid foods. . .just drinks milk and hasn't had much of that either. She's wetting her diaper so I'm not concerned about hydration. She's drinking enough - but she eats less than a 1 year old.

I leave and she stops crying. . .yes, that's stops, not starts

So it's been over an hour, and I finally went down to find dad and Gracyn. She started crying the minute she saw me. . .and then stopped the minute the elevator door closed for me to go back upstairs. Oh well, at least she likes my dad. I think she feels that I'm the one who took her away, so I'm a bigger threat. Was hoping to skype with her dad and brother, but she may be hysterical again when they come back, so we'll have to see.

I'm okay with the most recent rejection, but probably because I just got a dose of DH and Peyt. I so desparately want to hold Peyt and have him kiss me on the lips! I need some kid love since Gracyn isn't ready. How much does it cost to overnight a kid to Taiwan?

I want to go home. . .

Almost through the night

I was able to put Gracyn down, and knew that if she awoke it might be a replay of yesterday. She woke up a couple hours off, but then again she went to sleep a couple of hours later than usual. She cried, she watched me get up to make her a bottle, she was really mad, but as soon as I got that bottle in her mouth, and touched her palm, she took almost the whole thing. I watched her look up at me, and was still okay. Then she fell back asleep for a bit before waking up and asking to go outside. She wanted my dad to take her. I told her, let Mommy change your diaper first, and then go outside. She stopped crying, I changed her, she and my dad put on their shoes, she giggled when my dad had to put on a hat to cover the big bed-head, and they walked out. I'm sure she'll cry again when she walks back in. Stay tuned.

Best feeling was being able to comfort her when it hasn't even been 24 hours since we met. Between me and my dad, she's already making strides.

Thank you for all of the comments - I really needed them! My DH actually posted it after he had a chance to read it. I felt Daddy should have first dibs on this one and since he's on a time disadvantage, I gave him the rights since he's now a big blogger!

I'll post as often as I can!

Here's some more photos of Gracyn.

GOTCHA DAY

The day was incredible. Gracyn's entire foster family (sans one foster sister who was away in high school) came with her along with 2 social workers, Jessica, Mei Chun, me and Dad. There were a lot of people, and it was very clear that we all love her very much.

I'm exhausted. She did really well with the introduction. I sat back, and waited for her to bring something to me. I think she knew what was happening. . .The one thing I kept requesting was that the family not leave without saying goodbye. I know it's very hard to say goodbye on either end, but it was something that I strongly felt should and needed to happen for both Gracyn and the foster family for closure.

I found out that the foster family is Paiwan as I thought. They don't think Gracyn is aboriginal, but they did give her some aboriginal dresses, and I showed them the bracelets that I bought for her at the Aboriginal Cultural Park. Her Foster Mom changed her into a the red dress below. In addition to her clothes, they provided us with her toys, everything we've sent, the cameras and video camera we sent, albums, blanket, and even diapers, formula, and treats for her.

I'm probably skipping over so many details, but I really am just drained. . .the family left and was in the car, when I began to beg and plead with the SLC Staff and Social Workers to please ask them to say goodbye. I thought at that point I'd just have to accept that everything else was as we had hoped. Family came, answered all our questions, but perhaps the way they do things there is to leave for fear the "goodbyes" are all too hard. God pulled through for us! They came back and said goodbye, both mom and dad hugged me in front of Gracyn. Her Foster Mom and I both stood there in tears. . .she was devastated. It was so apparent from the minute they walked in that they cared for her as one of their own.

Surprisingly, Gracyn waved bye to them without any tears. . .she took to my dad right away! She likes men - DH, get ready! She didn't cry at all while we were at SLC. When we got in the cab, she was hysterical. . .she cried at the top of her lungs until we got to the HSR. And guess what? She cried the ENTIRE time from Tainan to Taipei. For the first 5 minutes we were in our cabin, before we were asked to move because she was disturbing other passengers. Then we were in a cabin by ourselves for about 30 minutes, and then that cabin filled up, so we ended up in the entrance passing area the rest of the trip. Oh wait! until my dad managed to put her to sleep and we sat in our original seats, but she woke up 15 minutes before our stop, so back to the lovely, tiny compartment with no seats. . .Let me make it clear that she was crying, flinging her whole body back, scratching and pulling at her head because she was so hot, and she did better with my dad than me, so my dad took on the task. Thanks Dad!!!

She did okay with the new shoes, new pj's, and new formula, but I think she's attached to her bottle. I'll try again tomorrow. She barely eats for a 2 year old, instead just taking a bottle with rice cereal. DH - you win on shoe size, I win on height. She's so petite! And watch out. . .she's super anal, needs everything in it's place, and know what she wants when she wants it. She's funny, smart, can follow commands, but still not using any words. Likes to play with the remote, the phone, the fax machine - pretty much anything mechanical.

We're sleeping on the floor, and probably will be for a while. She did eat when we both fed her. She has excellent eye contact. She's mad. But sometimes I don't think it's us, it's just she wants to be out playing. DH - does that sound familiar? She doesn't take well to strangers at first, but shares with everyone. Thank goodness for that one! I really think having her home with Peyt will do wonders for her.

When we got off the train, I failed to remember my own tip, and we somehow only had one ticket. Which meant we couldn't get out. The guy refused to let us out, so as I crouched down looking, my dad literally put Gracyn's screaming head near his ear! LOL - my dad found the ticket in his pocket 5 minutes later, and BTW this was the first point where I thought I was going to scream. We finally got to a cab, and yet again, TEARS all the way until she fell asleep for about the last ten minutes. Then the crazy guy tried to drop us off somewhere (not in front of the hotel) so I had to go get hotel staff to help me with the bags. . .in the rain. . .

When we got to the hotel, she continued to cry, until my dad finally just took her out for a walk. I took a quick shower, uploaded the pics, and then he brought her back. I told him to go ahead and leave the 2 of us, which again triggered yet more tears, thrusting, hitting of her head and mine, until she finally laid down with me, took a bottle, I rubbed her palm, and she dozed for a bit. Dad came back with the food, and she woke up a different person. We played and she ate a bit of rice and tonkatsu, made sure that the two of us ate, and she was laughing! I had my dad take her down to get hot water for her bottles. (I had PJ's on!) And they came back, with no fuss. At 8:30, I finally forced the crying again, to put her to sleep. It required both me and dad to lay down on the floor with her, she still preferred my dad over me, but she fell asleep in less than 5 minutes. I'm sure if she wakes in the middle of the night or even if she makes it until morning she'll pitch a fit again. . .

I just accidentally deleted an entire part of this post, and have no idea what I just wrote. . .

Let me try again, she's anal, knows what she wants when she wants it, and likes everything from phones, fax machines, and the remote. She loved playing with paper on my head. . .she has great eye contact, and I think sometimes she's not mad at us, she's just mad. She'd rather be outside playing. DH - sound familiar? But, she does like to share! Thank goodness for that. Oh, she's shy of strangers, and has a birthmark on the left side of her body - dad noticed that! And better yet, she's not picky or attached to any security items (which is good and bad in this case.)

Tomorrow is a free day - which is good. I really hope we're able to get on the plane on Thursday without the crying we experienced today. It was really, really hard, but we were both really calm. We, being me and dad. Not sure how I would have done it without him.

God has continued to give me peace. . .did I mention that Gracyn's foster family is Christian? And she loves to shake hands and sing at church! I have no idea what I'm typing anymore, so I think I better sleep while I can. I'll have to write more when I get home, and I'm sure I'll look at this and wonder, what was I writing???

DH and Peyt - I miss you terribly. Please continue to pray for all of us. . .
Gracyn is beautiful, smart, silly, and remember how I said I thought she looked like Nick? Well I think she kind of looks like Maddie! (Which would make sense since Nick and Maddie are twins!) She's built like Maddie too. . .I know she'll be fine - I'm just a little worried about the plane ride and car ride home. . .oh, and she loves playing in the water. Maybe they'll lock us up in the lavatory? I can barely keep my eyes open. . .love you guys!