I wanted to thank everyone for the love and support and all the advice across the miles. I am so blessed! I think after looking back, I should probably write this post. . .
Gracyn let's me do the primary care-giving by way of feeding and changing. My dad helped me with her bath, but I bathed her and lotioned her up. She seems to think that my Dad can take her back to where she was. She thinks of me as the one to bring her to the room and that I'm holding her captive.
The more I assess the situation, she's not really mad at me - she's just plain mad. She seems to get over some episodes more quickly now than before, but still has at least a couple of long episodes of thrashing around. I just continue to stay in sight if she needs a break from physical contact, or I try to rock and hold her.
God has been my strenth. I finally started to breakdown today, and the tears have helped. This is reality. I knew it, I tried to prepare myself for it, but let's face it, until you've "BEEN THERE and DONE THAT" you can never be fully prepared.
We're going to try to meet with friends in Taipei tonight as hard as it may be, and then after that it's really the AIT appt, and our flight home. Home sounds so good. And I guess when I get on that plane I just have to remember 11 hours and we're home. . .no matter how hard those hours may be.
Thank heavens for GongGong. . .I'm not opposed to Benadryl if it will help ease her pain by allowing her to rest. She has only just begun this part of her life with her forever family.
I do remind myself she's not rejecting me, and since she likes to play feeding games with cheerios, and lets me hug and kiss her, and giggles when we play, she certainly has demonstrated some signs of trust and bonding. Thanks for the reminders though!!!
And I thought I should finally mention, that Gracyn is absolutely stunning in person! Her cheeks are so full for such a skinny little girl, and she has this way of "turning on" her smile and being silly.
19 comments:
Tif,
I am so glad that you are doing better now. I think as adoptive parents we go through a shock during this process almost as much as they do sometimes. I know I went through culture shock, adoption shock, first time mom shock! It is not for the week of heart. But what I learned was exactly what you are learning and that is how strong I and my son actually were during that stage of the adoption! You are doing great hon!!! We love you and are praying for you!
Hi Tiff,
You're in my thoughts & prayers. I think you're last assessment is right, but I think there's more grieving than mad. I would continue to hold, hug, kiss, rock, touch, read and it's cool that she knows you're the primary caretaker, but I think she will go straight to gonggong on flight, because she has been bonding with him & trusting him (which is good), and she thinks he is her way out too. I will continue to pray for you both, you're doing a outstanding job...just remember this is only temporary, and it is what it is, and it will take time for her to adjust, and the long run thats what you want :-)
Take care,
Debbie
Hey Tiff,
Yes it's 4:55 am and I'm checking up on you before I have to get ready and head off to work. You "sound" a bit better in this post :0) I'll email you later from work but wanted to send an early morning hug your way.
BTW- of course she's stunning and all that hair! we're gonna have some fun :0)
Tiff, I think your honesty and open mind and heart are just incredible. Thanks for sharing... I am praying each day finds you both more at peace.
Hugs!
Tiffanie - I've been following your journey and will be praying your plane ride home is smooth and uneventful. As a mom still awaiting a referral, I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to send you a note to encourage you and to let you know you, Gracyn and your dad are in my prayers.
Cindy
http://adopttaiwan.wordpress.com
Hey Girlie
Just hang in there and keep your chin up! You are doing a great job!! Don't worry about the flight home, my only suggestion is to give the benadryl 1 time prior to the trip, one of the moms in our group said it really wired up her 4year old and she was REALLY thankful she did it prior to the flight. Her daughter was acting out what sounds similar to Gracyn. I am so thankful she is responding to GongGong. Let that be her thing as you are and work out the details when you get home! I am praying for you and my heart feels so badly for you! I am glad that you seem to be doing so well. Let it out and don't hold it in!! Remember to look at the positive side of the acting out - it shows she has that ability to bond and strong. Your time will come, just keep praying and relying on the lord. You will get thru this!! My heart just aches imagining how you are feeling!! Stay strong!
Love ya!
Pam
Tiff,
You are such a wonderful Mommy...
I agree with so many others who have posted that your honesty and open mindedness is really the key to letting off some steam as well as getting helpful advice. You are really something and we are all so proud of you. She is scared and mad and feels like you are the bad women taking her away from everything that is HERS... Someday the two of you will laugh and cry about this, but right now, just try to keep your head on straight and know that anything and everything you do right now is in her best interest! She will get over this!!! Your job right now is to protect her and if you need to get a little bit of meds in her to soothe her and quiet her a bit, then you just do it. There is something else besides benadryl that our doctor told us about and you could probably get it from a clinic. I will check with DH, he's a anesthesiologist and he will remember. I know that it's very hard, but try to smile and keep your sense of humor, because that can go a long way in helping you cope with the current stress and situation.
Lora & Allie
Aww thanks so much for the update hon! :) i am so glad you are getting some smiles and hugs and kisses. Yall are on my mind constantly as I prepare and praying continually for you. I can't wait to see y'all home and a family picture! ;) Praying for Dh and peyton too :)
big hugs
Tami
Noah's Mommy
www.tillGodbringsthemhome.blogspot.com
She must be astoundingly stunning in person because she is certainly stunning in photos!! We received a referral on 8-6-08 and I can't wait but I love your posts because they really help remind me of the reality. It sounds so worth it, but also soooo hard. I glad she was so bonded with her foster family, but this part seems tough. Good for you!! Thank goodness for Dads huh? Blessings, Sarah
Tiffanie,
Since I am not one of those BTDT adoptive moms, I can't speak well to what you are experiencing. But, I was just thinking about how excited you have been to get this little girl home. And even though "you KNEW" there was a possibility of this not being an easy transition, here you are facing a difficult reality. I'm really proud of you for sharing the good the bad and the ugly because you should have no guilt about shedding tears. You have been excited about this little girl coming into your life and good days will come, but for now, you have lots of people lifting you up.
Be blessed my friend,
Courtney
I haven't "been there, done that", but I want to say that you are such a blessing to me by keeping it real. Your honesty over the difficult situation makes me 1. KNOW TO PRAY FOR YOU and 2. be better prepared for our own adoption. The Lord is using your circumstance right as you experience it, FOR GOOD! And *that* is awesome. The other awesome thing is that your family will look back some day. And why will you be looking back?! Because you will have crossed this bridge! Gracyn will be a well adjusted, well attached, happy, bonded child who knows the love you've given her *so well that she expresses the same love back! Until you are over that bridge, though, and looking back, I pray for you. I pray that the strength, comfort, and rest of God is fully known to you.
Tisra
waiting for referral of our 4th child (FEC list 04/2007)
Tiffany,
I am in awe of your strength right now. Poor little Gracyn has been through so much and so have you. It will get better with each new day. My Maya was not a happy girl at all on the flight home and I nearly lost it about 8 hours in, but at the same time I felt the strength I needed to get her home where I could help her work through her fear. She rejected my DH and if he even looked at her she would scream in terror- i held her the entire 13 hours to CA, during the 2 hour layover in LA and then finally home to Sac. It was the longest day but best day all wrapped into one. I am not trying to scare you, but only to let you know that even if she does not do well on the plane it does not matter, what matters is who is waitng for you both when that plane touches down. The life you and your family can give her is what matters most. Keep your eye on that prize and I will pray for a peaceful flight for you all on the way home.
Janalee
Maya's Momma Chung Yi 2006
Tiff,
You are so strong! I appreciate your honesty. You're an amazing mommy to Gracyn already. It's kind of all trial and error but everything sounds very normal for the 2nd or 3rd day, completely typical! It only gets better from here. I'm so happy for you that you're finally together! A lifetime of bonding has begun! Keep staying objective it's really hard with such little sleep!
Benedryl didn't work for kimi on a recent flight. We didn't use it, I ended up singing to her gently in her ear a lot of the trip home.
Enjoy your time in Taiwan and safe travels home!
XOXO,
Megan
Tiffanie,
You sound very similar to us while in Taiwan. S did cry almost the entire way home, she hurt herself a couple of times with her flinging, she refused to eat for days (and weighed less than an average Asian 6 month old and was known refusing to eat!) and she would ONLY take a bottle if Sierra was sitting next to me AND talking to her! I think your dad is helping you much as Sierra did me! Samantha was drawn to Jei Jei from the beginning and Sierra has been besotted with Samantha from the moment they met.
Although our experiences are different it is mainly a difference of size and abilities – Samantha couldn’t walk, was barely sitting & she couldn’t act out in the same way but she clearly felt sad, scared and angry – you could see it in her eyes and hear it in her cries. She was terrified of dad and did not want me for comfort - hours of rocking and bottles, Jei Jei being in school all day and just being together 24/7 changed that (but real attachment took many, many months and even more of the above and is still clearly evolving!!). After arriving home she was one of those “putting on a good face” babies that you hear about, so while we didn’t have the outward anger we could still see the fear and anger and we did have the soul piercing cries, and terror, especially at night.
I know it may not feel like it but I think you are doing great. Patience and not breaking down are probably the hardest parts.
On a practical note one thing that REALLY helped us was mimicking her facial expressions and vice versa. We'd copy her and then she'd copy us - lots of long blinking, funny faces and sounds. This really seemed to help her and interestingly enough she would not do it with dad or anyone else! When she started doing it with dad was when she was ready to start bonding with him. I found that very interesting. She still loves to do this btw. Also pretending to feed each other was great for bonding. Gracyn’s even older so might be even more into this. I know they say feeding each other is good (which we did) but pretend feeding (Sierra started it in Taiwan) really opened her up to us. She’s feeding me pretend yogurt and beans as I type!!
As for the flight don’t worry about it. Babies and toddlers cry. Samantha cried most of the flight. I did a lot of walking and used the sling so I could go potty and so my arms wouldn’t fall off! The baby across from us (not adopted) cried even more. Here’s the funny thing – his crying annoyed ME (mostly because the parents didn’t try soothe him in any way)!
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your dad and Gracyn for peace and improvement!
Hugs, Lori
Just a warning…be careful with the Benadryl. If you decide to do it try a half dose in the hotel a day before you leave. We were told to give Benadryl to Sierra as a toddler for extreme itching (she had bad eczema) and it had the opposite effect on her. It made her extremely hyper and upset. The doc said that is not an unusual response in babies and toddlers.
Wasn't sure if you knew that but had to warn you just in case you didn't! LOri
Hi Tiffanie:
Glad to hear that you're doing better. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Gracyn and all of you are going through a life transition and it takes time. Gracyn is probably grieving all about the changes since you were united with her. That's all that she had known to be normal. I have faith that your patience, caring heart, and love will help Gracyn cope with her grief. Kids are pretty resilient. You're doing great, Tiffanie.
I'm so glad to hear things are a bit better. The one thing that got us through both our of our trips home with our 2 daughters, is knowing it was 1 day, and you'd probably never see any of those people on the plane again. :) Benedryl is good, but I second the advice of trying it before hand, because for Kendall, it wired her (didn't know that until we were on the plane :). I also recommend packing plenty of snacks for the plane trip.
Her whole life has been turned upside down at this point, but you'll be amazed to see the progress each day brings. We continue praying her little heart softens, and she will soon understand how much her new family loves her.
glad you gave into some tears, you deserve quite a few by now! glad it's helped a little bit...hang in there, I'm glad that you see that she's not rejecting you but the circumstances...shoot, my kids hate hotel rooms to begin with, too confining. it will take time as you said, you're doing a lot better than I ever could've! take care of yourself and get some rest...love, ang
Hi Tiff,
I wish that I've BTDT so that I could offer you some words of wisdom. It really sounds like you are doing your absolute best. One thing that always helps me in hard times is to tell myself that "this too shall pass"...Gracyn will turn a corner and get better. Praying for you all.
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