One Year Ago. . .Part 1

One year ago I touched my baby girl for the very first time. That day I wrote a post, affectionately entitled, "Gotcha Day," and you can click HERE to read all about that very emotional day.

I've enjoyed reading the posts of friends, reflecting on their respective Forever Family Days, Gotcha Days, or whatever you want to refer to it as, while all celebrate and remember what it was like just one year ago. I was candid in my post a year ago, and I'm going to continue with that theme.

One year ago, I met Gracyn for the very first time. I recall vividly, walking by the room she was waiting with her foster family in. We went into the infamous blue couch room and waited. And waited. . .and waited what seemed like an eternity. I remember her Foster Brother at the screen door carrying her in, face forward. She had a white lace dress on, with bows in her hair. He put her down, and I just waited patiently. I didn't want to scare her. I wonder now what the family was thinking. Was I supposed to run up and give her a great big hug with tears streaming down my face? That's certainly how I always envisioned my "Gothca Day" because you know, I've watched video after video after video while waiting, and I did have a vision of what this day would be like. You know how you dream, and you wait, and you wait for the day to come?

In reality, it was nothing like I had imagined. I stared at my daughter, I repeat my daughter, whom I did not know. Who's face I may not have recognized on the street, as her pictures were not all that clear, and were from a much younger age. My daughter who wanted nothing to do with me, who smelled nothing like me, who certainly didn't love me. Did I cry that day? Sure. And I cried every day after that the whole time in Taiwan. Tears of Joy? Was I happy? Absolutely. But also tears of sadness for Gracyn. I loved finally having my daughter with me, but let's face it, I was a complete and total stranger to her. Was I worried? You bet. I knew we had a long road ahead of us. . .and to be realistic, I knew just getting through the few days in Taiwan were going to be a struggle.

When I finally got to hold my daughter in my arms by telling her I'd take her outside to find her "Mama" she felt so tiny in my arms. She didn't feel like my daughter at that moment. We looked in on babies sleeping down the hall very briefly. She held my hand and walked with me. My dad took photos, and I watched every move her foster family made for fear they'd mysteriously disappear.

So, was our "Gotcha Day" one I can describe as full of joy? Should it be a day of celebration? A day full of happiness? For our family, unfortunately I think not. It was a day of sorrow for Gracyn. I begged her foster family to come back to say "goodbye" - I thank God that they did. Did she know she was saying her last "goodbye"? That the clothes her foster mom just changed her into would be the last time she cared for her? Certainly not. Gracyn began grieving the minute we stepped foot into the cab. This was our "Gotcha Day".

Gracyn cried the entire cab ride to the station. She cried the whole ride back to Taipei. We were kicked out of the cabin for disturbing other passengers. She fell asleep for a few minutes, and then abruptly awoke and cried all the way to the hotel. She cried in the elevator, and then cried every time we went down or up the elevator. The only time she didn't cry was in the middle of the night when I'd give her a bottle and change her diaper. Here we were, Mother and daughter, complete strangers, sleeping on the floor of a hotel room together. . .