While it's raw and real. . .

I've promised myself that I would post the good and the challenging parts of our journey. I have some great new photos I'd love to blog, but while it's minutes raw, and very real, I wanted to write about a challenging part of our journey.

When we picked up Gracyn she wanted nothing to do with me. Since we've come home, she's attached to me, and will sometimes go to Gong-Gong, but will only go to DH for play time, not comforting.

Tonight, we tried to let DH put her to bed, but instead she refused him, took a bottle and fell asleep on her own. She ended up waking up 3 times in less than 2 hours. The last time she woke up, I went with my gut. No bottle. No leaving her in the crib while I tried to soothe her. I picked her up, held on tight to her wrangling body, her sticky and wet head cradled in my arm, and let her cry it out. I kept telling her, "Mommy is here. You're going to be okay," over and over again. She was thrashing around, fighting me, and then while holding her, I sat in front of a fan. I cooled us both off. A wise mommy once said walking out into the cold worked. It's still too hot here, so I resorted to the fan. I let her wiggle out of my arms as I continued to brush her hair away from her sweaty Little head, and then she stopped crying, looked at me, and smiled. And then she giggled when she felt the fan hit her. It was like she had no idea what we had just been through.

I've resorted to her bottle for comfort time and time again. I think I'm going to start trying to comfort her with my arms. She smiles almost all day. The car seat is still a little bit of challenge, but when she's tired, she wants a bottle, takes me by the hand and either takes me to her crib or the couch. She won't let me really hold the bottle, but she always makes eye contact and wants me to soothe her by rubbing her hands, arms, feet, and legs. I've been trying to let her bond with Daddy, but for sleep time and comforting, nothing is working. It's too painful to listen to her scream in terror, and I don't want her to think I've left her. This was the first night she went to sleep sad, and she didn't sleep well. Never again.

I had a hard time when she was rejecting me. . .then I thought it was hard because I couldn't and still haven't had a good night's rest. . .then I read a blog (linked to Hannah Claire's) and how the daughter won't even let her Mommy carry her. I think it would still be harder on me if she didn't want me or I couldn't soothe her. Tonight when DH couldn't calm her down, Gong-Gong tried. . .she still continued to scream and cry. I walked in, held her and within a few seconds, she instantly calmed down and fell back asleep. I'm blessed, yes tired too, but still blessed that at least she will let me comfort her. I think bed time is the most challenging for our transition. I think her age, and level of attachment to her foster family has a lot to do with it. I prayed for a child who was attached to her family so she'd have the ability to transfer that love and attachment. I hadn't prepared to be her sole source of comfort, especially after her rejection of me in Taiwan.

For those of you adopting toddlers,I think age plays a big part. I think that the number of living disruptions, level of attachment to their caregivers, personalities in part, and gender of primary caregiver will also greatly impact their transition at home. I believe Gracyn's foster mom did all her bathing, diapering, feeding, and comforting. Even in Taiwan when she didn't want me to carry her, she allowed me to bathe, change and feed her. I know her age has a lot to do with it, and I think the fact that she was relinquished at birth, and was hospitalized the first days of her life with no family to comfort her, has a lot do with her insecurity when she wakes at night, and her intense need for me to touch her.

If anyone has suggestions on how to encouraging bonding between DH and Gracyn, please leave comments. If you feel Gracyn on your heart, please pray for restful nights for her. Gracyn's smile makes me melt, and this week, she even lay her head down on my shoulder a couple of times. She always wants to be in my lap, and is happy to give hugs and kisses. When I take pictures of her, it's usually when she's super happy, and the story the photos tell is in fact real. She loves life, loves to explore, and even enjoys roller coasters and cookies. But after the challenging night I just had, that is also very, very real, while it was raw, I wanted to share this part of our journey too.

For Gracyn. . .for who she is today.
She is beautiful, she is my daughter, she is happy, she is sad
She is loving, she is sweet, she is innocent, she is mad
She hugs, she kisses, giggles and shows her love
She is a joy, a gift, and blessing from up above
She was loved by a family, she is loved now by us
She said goodbye to them, without ever making a fuss
She used to see me, my face would cause her fears
She let me into her heart, now I can dry her tears
She is His, we were chosen, we're now a family of four
She was broken, she's healing, we love her to the core